Children are people. They come with their own personalities, wants, needs, and wishes. They have their own ideas about what they want to do, including when, where, and how to do it and with whom. The desire for independence comes with strong emotions which makes it really challenging for you. 

We all know that reading is important. It’s a skill all children need to have. Most of us don’t really remember how we learned to read, so It’s easy to forget just how much energy and perseverance it took to become a competent reader. English is a complex language. It can take 3-4 years to become a confident, fluent reader.

So what do you do when your child tells you they don’t want to learn to read? What if they already know how to read, but they are reluctant to practice reading?

Julie King, along with co-author Joanna Faber, has written several books, including How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. She recently shared with us three key ideas that are helpful for parenting children ages 2-7. We’ll show you how to use Julie’s parenting tips to help your reluctant reader. 

Help Your Child Understand Their Feelings and Emotions 

Julie's first tip is about acknowledging feelings and emotions. Julie says, “There's a connection between how kids feel and how they behave.” Accepting their feelings and helping them recognize and understand those feelings is important. Julie suggests that “one way to do this is to put into words how they're feeling, so they learn the words to describe how they are feeling.” She provided an example of what you might say when a friend can’t come over to play: "Oh no, your friend is sick and can't come over to play. That's so disappointing!" 

Using this idea with your reluctant reader, you might say, “Reading can be really frustrating, especially when the words get longer and harder to sound out.” Naming and acknowledging their feelings lets your child know you are on their side and helps them learn to recognize the connection between emotions and actions. 

Encouraging your child to express their feelings, openly and honestly without judgement, will help build a trusting relationship and strengthen bonds that last for a lifetime. You know your child best, so you are the best person to help them recognize how feelings affect actions. Learning strategies to embrace and regulate emotions is a valuable lifelong skill.

Recognize Your Child’s Need for Independence

The second tip Julie shared with us is: “Kids have a strong drive for autonomy.” Some common phrases you have likely heard are, “You’re not the boss of me”, “Don’t tell me what to do”, or “I do it myself”. Julie reminds us that rather than telling your child what to do, you are likely to be more successful when you make it easy for them to tell themselves what to do. In her words, instead of saying, "Turn off the bathroom light! How many times do I have to tell you, we're wasting electricity when the light is left on." You could simply say: "The light is on in the bathroom."

To use this strategy with your reluctant reader, you might say, “I left some new library books on the counter. I found an interesting one about flying cars.” or “That book is calling your name. I wonder what it’s going to tell you?” It’s also helpful to let them know you are willing to work with them. You might say, “Reading can be so frustrating. Let’s work together to figure out a way to make it easier for you.” Simply stating what you observe, using humor, and offering support are effective ways to spark a reluctant child’s interest in reading.

Provide Meaningful Feedback 

Julie’s third tip is about giving children feedback that describes what you see, rather than just saying “Good job!” For example, when your child cleans up their toys, she suggests telling them how nice it is to walk through a room when all the toys and books are neatly put away. This is a great way to show them that what they do affects how others feel and to help them recognize the specific actions they took to make the space enjoyable for others. 

To use this tip with a reluctant reader, you might say, “Yay! You sounded out that tricky word. It feels so satisfying when you figure them out on your own.” Meaningful feedback helps a reluctant reader gain confidence by reinforcing the specific strategies they can use to decode challenging words.  

Sometimes we talk at our children, but the best way to invite them to listen to what we have to say is to talk with them. It’s similar to the “serve and return” strategy that is so effective when communicating with babies. When you speak to your child, be sure to observe their reaction and truly listen to their response. This will help you discover if they are understanding your words and how they are feeling. It will also help you provide a thoughtful response that reinforces useful strategies for accomplishing challenging tasks, developing positive communication, and strengthening trust. 

Summary

Children are little people with a big desire for independent decision making. So often it feels like it doesn’t matter to them that you have had years of life experience that you use to protect them and support their learning and growth. 

In summary, these three parenting tips from Julie King will help you build a learning partnership that will last for a lifetime:

1. Help your child recognize and name their feelings
2. Acknowledge your child’s strong drive for autonomy 
3. Provide meaningful feedback by describing what you see 

For more actionable tips on motivating your child to read, check out our reluctant readers article. Contact us with your learning to read questions.    

Julie King, is the co-author of two books, How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen (for parents and professionals who live or work with kids ages 2 -7) and How To Talk When Kids Won't Listen (parents of  kids in preschool through early teens). 

Harvard University Center on the Developing Child https://developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/serve-and-return/